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I Don’t Want to Read Rakkety Tam (Part 3)
By: Ublaz
Hello again, dear readers, and welcome to the digitally re-mastered Director's Cut of "I Don't Want To Read Rakkety Tam, Part III," featuring never-before-read footage! And, as a special bonus, now available in color! (Assuming black and beige are both colors, that is.)
For those who aren't sure of what's going, the "I Don't Want To Read…" series was dreamt up as kind of a Cliff's Notes-esque way to experience all of the action of the Redwall books from the perspective of not actually feeling any desire to read the book. The first two installments of "I Don't Want To Read Rakkety Tam!" can be found in the April 2006 and the May 2006 issues. The third and final installment was delayed by various difficulties, but is now, finally, available for your consumption. Enjoy!
Having gotten lost on the way to somewhere, Yoofus and Doogy loot Gulo's camp. (In the interest of brevity, the pair will now be referred to by the collective "Doofus." Please keep that in mind.) Yoofus claims ownership of a drum, for which Doogy punches him. Claiming a tail injury and whiplash, Yoofus files a lawsuit. Lawyers in the form of a gang of vermin show up, then take the drum and everything else as payment of legal fees. Yoofus attempts to sue the vermin, and Doofus wind up as hostages.
The vermin lawyers introduce Doofus to a family of dormice, whose about thirteen children definitely go down in Redwallian lore as having some of the dumbest names this author has ever heard of. Unfortunately, due to the backed-up law system, Doofus won't be brought to trial for another about thirteen seasons and they'll all just have to twiddle their paws for the time being. "The dog's bunions to legal procedure!" says Doogy, and they messily slay the vermin. "Hurrah!" says Muskar the dormouse, and they all have supper.
Yoofus goes home and steals stuff. His wife Didjety slaps him about for stealing the drum. Doogy shows up and slaps Yoofus around, too. Feeling a new camaraderie, Didjety and Doogy slap Yoofus around some more and then eat breakfast. Belching happily, the squirrel attempts to sit on a rock, which turns out not be a rock at all. "It's a stone!" chortles Didjety, falling over with merriment. Of course, Doogy is even more weirded out when the tortoise beside him gets up and walks away. "It's a walking stone!"(make it clearer who said this) Doogy makes the executive decision to take the walking stone and Yoofus (with all of his stolen goods in tow) back to Redwall. "Ahhhh," says Yoofus, "Can't we leave all of the stolen goods behind? They're really heavy."
Gulo arrives at a stream and discovers that Tam has already sailed off with the Guosim. Calling Eissaye, a tracker, to his side, Gulo asks where the goodbeasts could have gone. Eissaye studies the surroundings for a while, sniffing up and down the riverbank and investigating several broken twigs before finally announcing that Tam and the Guosim are, in his words, "probably downstream somewhere."
"Bah!" says Gulo, ripping off Eissaye's ear. "They must be at Redwall."
Tam and the Guosim come upon a giant tree blocking the river. They decide to use leverage to move it out of the way. "No!" say some shrews. "Let's sing a song about moving logs instead!"
Scouting ahead, Eissaye comes back and reports that he can't hear anything. "Wait!" cries Gulo, pawing through his paperback copy of Rakkety Tam. "It says here on page about thirteen that you're supposed to hear singing ahead."
"Perhaps you should have thought of that before you ripped my ear off," says Eissaye.
The Guosim get around to moving the log, killing half of their crew in the process. Gulo attacks, though he only manages to kill a single hare. "Wait! Since when did they induct hares into the Guosim?" says Gulo, paddling madly after Tam's boats.
Doofus and Didjety walk through the woods all day and get lost. "Say, shouldn't we have brought the walking stone along?" Doogy inquires. Crushed under the weight of many stolen goods, Yoofus doesn't respond.
Giggling, the Guosim hide their boat and watch as Gulo's log goes over a waterfall. Then they go to Redwall. This makes everybody happy. Somebody proposes a mole dance.
Meanwhile, Gulo, being smarter than most of his vermin, jumps off the log before it goes over the rapids. About thirteen others survive, while the rest no longer need to worry about upcoming dental appointments, if you get my drift. "Go climb that pine tree," Gulo commands an ermine named Duge, "and see what you can see." His remaining crewbeasts remark that they think Gulo is going insane. Gulo denies this, while holding an animated conversation with his left footpaw. Duge reports back. "I saw about a million pine needles, and also a big building with red walls."
A lot more stuff happens, but the long and short of it is that everybody gets to Redwall.
Tam and Gulo fight, and the Borderer(make clearer that this is Tam, maybe "Border squirrel") gets the living daylights beat out of him. Gulo, in a finishing move, attempts to jump on Tam. Tam kicks upwards, sending Gulo flying through the air. He falls into the ditch, and re-emerges holding his neck and claiming whiplash. In the ensuing legal battle, Gulo enjoys a massive victory over the Redwallers, and is awarded Redwall Abbey and all of its assets as compensation. However, while surveying his new estate, Gulo is informed that he is the High Rhulain, and must go to Green Isle. In an unexpected twist, his ship goes down in a storm on the way to Green Isle, and Gulo is never heard from again.
The Redwallers celebrate with a mole dance.
- When DID they induct hares into the Guosim?
- Would you participate in a mole dance? Why or why not?
- When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
And, dear readers, that's the end. Thanks for (not) reading, and I'll hopefully see you later this year for a non-reading of Loamhedge.