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RWNow! - Two Paws Up

Seeing as this issue has at least one other article linking Redwall to the modern world, and it's Oscar season, I thought I might put forth the Redwall crew in a new light: The Spotlight. How would our heroes - and villains - react to the glitz and glamour of the Oscars? Which are like famous celebrities or characters? What films would they be in if they left the Abbey for a lucrative showbiz career? We shall find out.

The Academy Awards

(A Mouse in a red dress stands on a carpeted walkway in the Los Angeles sun. She holds a microphone)

Louise: "It's a fabulous evening here in Los Angeles! At this, the 76th Annual Academy Awards, we will be seeing some of the brightest stars that the realm has to offer! I can just see a logboat pulling up now... We'll bring you an exclusive RW interview with Cluny Descourge in just a moment, but first let's hear from Sunny Skye, our fashion reporter!" (The scene shifts inside to a red-carpet area. A hideously-dressed squirrel holds a microphone)

Sunny: Such a beautiful day, Louise! Rivaled only by some of the outfits the stars are wearing! Look over there! It's Urgan N. Agru, in a /very/ stylish wolf-skin tux. With pure bone cufflinks, he surely cuts an impressive figure. His wife, Sylvia Mord, is with him too, wearing a divine floor length fur gown. You can really see the tails flashing! Just moments ago we saw Boar Pugnatior, who was of course in his delightful iron suit. With Verminfate sheathed jauntily across his back, he's turning heads wherever he goes. Hold on... Wait just a minute, Louise! There seems to be some sort of commotion at the door! I can see them! Matthew Hias has just come in with his wife Cornflower and they're superbly appointed, as usual. Matt is wearing his vest with the family coat of arms on it, Ratdeath buckled to his belt; Cornflower is draped in a simple green frock with a breathtaking tan headscarf. The belle of the ball! Oh no, I spoke too soon! Songstress Celan Dine has just entered, wearing a stunning gown which is reminiscent of the scandalous dress that Jennifer Antelopez wore at a recent awards show. There are more coming in, but we'd like to get to our interview with Mr. Descourge. Louise?

(The shot shifts outside again. Louise stands with a rough-looking Portuguese Rat. He wears an eyepatch.)

L: Hello Mr. Descourge, or may I call you Cluny?

C: Either is fine, you lowly maggot.

L: Such wit! Perhaps you should be in comedies more often. Cluny, how do you feel about your chances?

C: (Coughs) Ach! Bilgewater! Me latest film is a surefire winner. The academy'll go for it hook, line and sinker, so they will!

L: Are you sure? Rumour has it that the current favourite is Julian Gingivere's "Apocalypse Meow". What makes you think that "How I Lost my Eye to a Pike and Lived to Attack the Abbey, you Scurvy Dog" will win the coveted "best picture" award?

C: Yaharhahar!! I'm sure to win! If I don't, I've told the judges I'll run 'em through! Now begone, before I have your guts for garters!"

L: And good-bye to you too, Cluny. Well everybeast, there you have it! We have been informed that the awards are about to be handed out, so we'll head inside." (We cut to a large auditorium. There is a host on stage. It is Florian.)

F: Good evening, beasts and beastmistresses. Our first award is for the role of best actor. The nominees tonight - bless their little souls - are:

1. Sir Asa Modeus as Hanaconda Lecter in "Hanaconda"

2. Martin Werrior as Maximouse in "Warrior"

3. Boar Pugnatior as Himself in "I was a Teenaged Lord of Salamandastron "

And the winner is... Sir Asa Modeus as Hanaconda Lecter!

(Martin and Boar angrily unsheathe their swords. They are escorted out by a pair of burly shrews, muttering to the effect that they would "cleave that vermin-filled jury in twain".)

Sir A. M.: Thissss issss a real honour... My ssssecond award... I jusssst have to thank the jury, for being real good ssssports while I threatened them, and Queenie Warbeak, who played Claricccce Sssstarling in "Hanaconda" with me. We worked well together and it paid off... Ssssee you 'round... (Hisses once again, for effect, then slithers off the stage)

F: Wow, that was creepy, sah, but interesting... Always a favourite, that chap. Now, we move on to the "Best Actress" category. The lovely ladies in this category are:

1. Queenie Warbeak as Clarice Starling in "Hanaconda"

2. Dame Cregga Rose-eyes as Queen Elizabadger in "Shakeshrew in Love"

3. Mary L. Gullwhacker as Lucilla in "Warrior"

The award goes to... Mary L. Gullwhacker as Lucilla!

M: Booyeah! Take that Cregga! Hey Queenie, "Tweet-Tweet"! Ha! (She goes on stage, accepts her award, pulls a face at Cregga again, and then sits down. Queenie has taken flight, diving and spinning around the auditorium. She does so for about twenty minutes and then takes her seat.)

F: (Stands in silence for a few moments, then pulls himself together) Right, ah... right. Our final category tonight is "Best Picture". The hotly contentious contenders are:

1. Julian Gingivere - "Apocalypse Meow"

2. Cluny Descourge - "How I Lost my Eye to a Pike and Lived to Attack the Abbey, you Scurvy Dog"

3. Danny Mole - "Burr, Sumpin's Up, Oi Tinks"

The winner is... Julian Gingivere's "Apocalypse Meow"!

(The cat hurries up to the stage, purring excitedly)

J. G.: Oh, oh it is such. Such. Such an. Honour (he speaks haltingly). To be chosen. For this. Award. I just. Want to thank...

Danny: Burr. Art'ouse Goon.

Cluny: Garrrh! I'll flay ya to dollrags! Rahh! (Leaps onto stage. Gingivere recoils, and the Shrew Security Guards jump on stage too. A brief tussle ensues, and Cluny is tied up with his own tail. He is lead, kicking and screaming, from the auditorium. A brief silence follows.)

J. G.: Very. Well. Thank you. Everybody. (He walks off stage in the wrong direction. Florian directs him the other way.)

F: Well that wraps up our bally evening. From myself, Louise, and the ever-delightful Sunny, we wish you a good night, and good meals, so to speak.

(He chuckles briefly, and then leaves the stage.)

That is just one possibility. Let's hope, however, that it never comes to be. The following is a brief legend for the benefit of any readers who may be confused by my slight changes to character's names.

Martin Werrior - Martin the Warrior
Boar Pugnatior - Boar the Fighter
Celan Dine - Celandine
Matthew Hias - Matthias
Urgan N. Agru - Urgan Nagru
Sylvia Mord - Silvamord
Cluny Descourge - Cluny the Scourge
Sir Asa Modeus - Asmodeus
Mary L. Gullwhacker - Mariel, son of Joseph

Now, as is my custom, a brief list of release dates for Redwall items.

Taggerung - September 2001
Castaways of the Flying Dutchman - Released by the time this is printed
Redwall Winter's Tale - Autumn 2001
(There's not much else. There was a Webcast and a TV appearance for Brian in March but we've missed it. Oh well.)

That's all for this month! Until next month, ta ta!

By: Nick